American Soldier: challenge in life is battling with PTSD, Traumatic Brain Injury, severe anxiety, and depression

Read This Inspiring Story I found online

American Soldier :My number 1 challenge in life is battling with PTSD, Tramatic Brain Injury, severe anxiety, and depression from mental and physical wounds. It’s definitely not easy to admit it, and as a man, it’s not something I thought I would suffer from ever. And this has led me to not attending or trying everything possible to not attend social events.

It’s something that I’ve battled since 2010, from an extremely active deployment of about 30 of us on a basketball size court size outpost in a valley in the Pech River, Kunar Province, no running water, little electricity and protected by sandbags where we got in active firefights all but several days that year, losing more buddies than I can count on my hands. But combat became who I was, and the times when I felt most significant in my life. I couldn’t and can’t stop that crave I get from the chaos, struggle and hurt…But I dealt with my problems with ALCOHOL, drugs and going on other deployments. My PTSD and all of that isn’t usually an angry/violent one, I don’t usually have terrible flashbacks, but what happens to me is when I do get a flashback or a memory of the past, I become hypervilligant to an extreme (checking out the neighborhood with night vision 😂)when something sets me off, and it excites me more than anything for that feeling or sense like I’m back in a combat zone. I put my shoes on immediately when I wake up and they don’t come off until I’m about to close your eyes, because ya know…”you gotta be ready”  I’m constantly worried I’m doing something wrong, or I’m not going to complete something to perfection, and I will deter myself from even starting.

Photo by: Ali Dashti

I over analyze everything down to a point it makes me sick and so gut wrenching inside…little things get under my skin. A psychologist once put it in perspective for me…little things like a piece of paper or sock on the floor may not be a big deal to most, but when you’ve been in situations where a tiny detail can mean life or death, little things are bound to set you off. It makes it hard to go to the gym, “what if I have to talk to someone”, takes me forever to go into Walmart, I get almost sick from anxiety for things I’ve done hundreds of time (dance practice, wrestling practice, school events…almost anywhere I might have to socialize) it makes almost anything enjoyable when it’s like this. Plans…hah I try to find anyway out, pray the weather cancels it, someone cancels it, any reason to give me a reason to cancel. I crave that adrenaline of a firefight, I wait and almost want things or chaos to happen. I’d almost do anything to go back to that year in Afghanistan.  

Then once I got out of the military I filled that void by going to the Middle East as a contractor providing protection for ambassadors at US Embassy’s in Baghdad, Iraq, Kabul, Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Dubai. Alcohol ended up being my downfall in countries where it was illegal and I had to do some shady shit to get it. I’ve been told I wasn’t allowed to board planes in Dubai, Paris and TN for being too intoxicated between layovers in the end resulting in losing a job making 500$ a day tax free oversea. Alcohol was taking over me.

This all happened before I met my amazing wife. Things happened quick, and about 5 years ago I was going through a divorce, met Allison, Within two months I went from living in Tennessee alone to moving to Missouri with her, McKenna, Reagan and Stella was in her belly. It was pretty crazy. I carried a lot of baggage, along with drinking excessively daily. We both honesty had some. She is the only real reason I have positivity, She’s the reason I ended up going to the VA for help, she’s the reason I admitted myself to a 40 day in patient drug/alcohol treatment at the VA, she’s the reason I learned to fly a helicopter, and ultimately, she’s the reason I’ve been sober for 3 years this Christmas Eve.

I use to mask all my problems with alcohol. I don’t have that anymore. And honestly, a lot of people say how much their lives are better since they stopped, and don’t get me wrong it absolutely has…but, I also suffer severely in ways. My head won’t allow me to do simple things without having severe anxiety. It’s embarrassing. My anxiety is almost paralyzing in ways daily. And I feel so bad that my family are the ones that suffer, because dad isn’t man enough to deal with his problems and just go to the aquarium or whatever it may be. It’s hard for me to go anywhere where socializing possibly may be in the forecast. It drains you from the inside constantly living like this.

Photo by: Ali Dashti

I’m sorry for the rant. But, enough about my problems because it’s not just me that’s carries the problem, but this amazing woman right here may have never knew me when I went through my difficult times I’m the military, but she understands…and she receives most of the negative affects and she’s still next to me. I swear to god, if it wasn’t for this woman, I probably would be dead. I love you babe. You are amazing babe in everyday, I’d be lost without you, and I for sure couldn’t see myself living life with anyone else. You gave me the confidence to go to this event, I can’t thank you enough beautiful! Only a small percent knows what it’s like to deal with a person like me, and it’s like God himself created you to come into my life when he did and save me. 

Thank you Wounded Warrior Project and (?) for an amazing event. If it wasn’t for you man, I probably would’ve never broken out of my shell and joined this amazing organization, I’m extremely grateful for our friendship man!

Mental health is real, military or not, always look out for your friends and their well-being.

For All American Soldier Around The World

Ema Shah